Insanity in the Trunk of Olaf's Car
by Yamiku
Summary: First ASOUE fic... set after book 8, in the trunk of Olaf's car... flames will be used to burn other flames into a firey mass of fire.


Disclaimer: A Series of Unfortunate Events belongs to one Lemony Snicket.... i.e - not me.

***

Insanity in the Trunk of Olaf's Car

"So remind me again why we're in the car of Count Olaf, the guy who wants our fortune, the psycho that just refuses to get his eyebrows waxed, the guy with-" Klaus was raging, before Violet jumped in.

"Shut up Klaus! Just shut up!" she hissed. "We're all highly strung right now, but we should be paying attention to me! ME! I'm the oldest! I'm the bravest! I'm the smartest! I'm stunningly pretty! I'm the main character, me, me, me, so bow down before me, you lousy-"

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP!?" screamed Olaf, banging his fist on the car seat.

"Nolinkandadadnidkreeee?" asked Klaus.

"Stop being a Sunny try-hard...." sighed Violet. 

Sunny growled angrily at Klaus, and shook her small fist at him.

"Do you think he knows we're here?" asked Klaus, giving his younger sister an angry look. 

"Nah, he's too dumb...." repiled Violet, now trying desperately to invent something that would turn butterflies into cheetahs out of a paper clip, a tissue, a blade of grass and three quarters of a passion fruit tart.

Sunny began to scream about pink and yellow modems in her native tongue, and Klaus turned around angrily. 

"Shhhh!" he shushed, turning back to the portable TV.

Violet gasped. "Where'd you get that!?" 

"I made it out of one of those sailboats...." said Klaus, trailing off suspiciously.

"From Lake Lachrymose?" Violet Baudelaired Baudelaireishly in a Baudelaire-like style. 

"Yeah..." 

Violet then began to go slowly insane at a high speed.

How DARE he invent something better than she ever could? How DARE he be smarter than her? Everybody in the whole wide world knew SHE was the smartest, not that little freak. So what if he wore glasses? He just wasn't-

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP!?" screamed Olaf again, smashing the seat with his fists, which were, ironically, sticks of asparagus. 

"I think the old fool's gone senile...." said Klaus, blinking.

"Well, if he was already senile to begin with..." sighed Violet, her eyes bloodshot and bleeding from the slow yet quick insanity.

Suddenly, Jacques Snicket flew in, a pair of green wings sprouting from his back. "Heh-heh-hey Baudelaires!" he said goofily.

Somewhere in the world, Lemony Snicket was very embarassed. 

"YOU'RE DEAD!" screamed Klaus.

Jacques held up a finger. "Correction: WAS dead." he said in a smug and sad voice.

"FINGER!" screamed Sunny, transforming into Gollum and biting it off. 

Jacques sighed as blood and purple paint began spewing everywhere. "Oh, dear. Lemony demanded I keep my hands completely intact..."

Klaus shrugged. "What's he gonna do about it?"

Beatrice jumped in. "Hi people." she grinned, her hair standing on end scarily.

Lemony, who, as you may recall, is somewhere in the world (which happened to be right next to the car, on a motorbike), suddenly screamed out, "BEATRICE!" and followed her lead.

Despite the fact he was currently seeing orange elephants and Tiger Woods clones running around, singing a round of the book, "They Day My Bum Went Psycho" by Andy Griffiths. 

He got down on one knee and began singing, "We'll take the road out to the countryside, my dear, where the mountains go forever and the birds are always near. We'll build a better life, we'll leave the city far behind us. Living where the outside world will never find us-"

"STOCKPILING WEAPONRY!" screamed Violet.

"SHUT UP YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BRAT!" yelled Lemony angrily, yet happily. "You're ruining the moment." He turned to Beatrice. "Will you ma-"

She suddenly dropped dead. Just like that. Yeah. Scary, huh?

But you probably think it's absolutely hilarious.

Don't you?

You toolbag. 

-----

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR-

I apologise for the rudeness of the author. You look like the kind of person who would feel sorry for someone who had dropped dead, so please excuse her ramblings and Tripod obsession. 

Sincerely,

Jamal (Last name undisclosed)

-----

Lemony smacked his forehead. "Aaargh! That's the twenty-second time!"

Esme suddenly ran in. "I am bad, I am evil, I am.... I am.... er..... LINE!"

"ESME SQUALOR! DER!" cried Sunny. 

"Der yourself...." snapped Klaus.

Isadora and Duncan suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Yager." they said mysteriously.

"Well, that was spectacular." said Jacques, balancing a chair on what *was* his finger.

This lamenting was soon interrupted by Lemony's head going on vacation. 

Violet's hair ribbon decided to strangle a not-so-fictional character named Marcus, and promptly did so. She scolded it for murdering, and it never did so again.

"Nyew-nyew-nywe-nyew-NYEEEEEWWWWWWWW-nyew-nyew-n-" air-guitared Monty, who had sailed in on a boat from the Bahamas.

"Oh, GAWD, shuttup ya freak!" cried Lemony's evil twin, Kumquatty.

Lemony's head fixed itself to his elbow.

Lemony gasped. "It is my evil twin, Kumquatty!"

"I'll fight ya!" yelled said twin.

"Nah, I don't wanna fight...." 

"Fine..." sulked Kumquatty, transforming into Tim Henman and flying away.

"LOSER!" screamed Lleyton Hewitt, pointing and laughing.

"SHUT UP!" yelled Violet, shoving him out the window.

"Why has Olaf not realised that there is an assortment of people in the trunk?" asked Klaus.

"Jeez Louise, Klaus, HOW THE HELL DID WE ALL ACTUALLY MANAGE TO FIT IN THE DAMN TRUNK? DID YA EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, HUH?! HUH!?" screamed Violet.

"Someone needs to lay off the sugar..." said Lemony's-now-fixed-to-his-elbow-head.

"Can you please get corrective surgery?" asked Isadora patiently.

"Er..." said Lemony, before reenacting _Hamlet _with a guinea pig. "Okay." he said.

THREE SECONDS LATER....

"All done." said Lemony, grinning.

He then dressed up as Vanessa Carlton and sang _Big Yellow Taxi_ with Counting Crows.

"Ya know, the record companies are probably gonna sue..." warned Sunny, now 25 years old, due to a screw up by Matthew Jansen.

"Shaddapa you face!" snapped Monty.

Justin Timberlake then ran in and sang the Australian National Anthem. Tripod, who were at this time very angry, ran in and took him hostage.

"Christmas time in Africa agaaaaaain....." sang Yon angrily.

"ARGH! HE HAS A BETTER VOICE THAN ME! I'M MELTING! MEEELLLLTTTINGGG...." wailed Justin, melting in a dry kinda way.

Some Person (Most likely Patty Hallowell) came in. "Okay, come on, Scod, Yon, Gatesy, let's go." she said sternly.

"Awww...." whined the Australian comedians.

"I'll set Nikki Webster on you...." 

"No, anything but that! We'll go, we'll go! Just not the little rodent!" yelled Scod in horror, as the horrified trio ran out, followed by Patty.

There was a large, suddenly deafening silence.

"I wanna do it with Madonnaaaa...." sang Klaus.

"Shut up." sighed Sunny, who, due to another screw up by Matthew Jansen, was now fourteen.

"I liked you better as a baby..." snapped Esme.

"No one cares about you!" yelled Duncan, kicking the dog.

"Duncan!" snapped Violet. "Don't kick Maria!" she continued, pointing at the Eiffel Tower.

"What are you gonna do about it?" was the retort.

Violet then screamed, "Moon Prism Power!", and due to yet another stuff-up, though this time by the author, transformed into Rove McManus of Rove [Live].

"What the...!?" she/he exclaimed, and everyone laughed. "No, seriously." she said. "That shouldn't have happened...."

Lemony interrupted by shoving a pole through Olaf's head.

There was silence.

"Good one, you spazzmo!" cried Isadora.

"He's not dead...." said Lemony sheepishly.

"Not dead? He just had a pole shoved through his head, f'cryin' out loud! Say hi to ya mum for me!" exclaimed Rioletove, throwing his/her hands up in the air. 

"Gee, Violet and/or Rove, can you please pick an identity?" asked Klaus, half-scared, half-confident.

"No." repiled the person, dancing to circus music.

Monty was so jealous. He could never, ever dance like that.

Klaus turned to their former guardian. "I thought you were dead."

Monty gave him an exasperated look. "No." he said.

Robin Williams ran in, mumbled a Chinese phrase that translated to, "My name is lawnmowermikeweir.". Rove's spirit suddenly leaped out of Violet's body and flew away in slow hurry. Mr. Williams then vanished off the face of Saturn, never to be seen by Rene from Aqua again.

The giant wooden Enid (As seen in 'Tripod Tells the Tale of the Adventures of Tosswinkle the Pirate (Not Very Well)') rolled in very suddenly, and was immediately devoured by Whitney Houston.

"WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP?!" screamed Olaf for the third time, banging his sticks of asparagus against the car seat.

"NO!" yelled the assortment of people.

The car screeched to a sudden stop.

"Crud." said Lemony. "It's time for this sloth to fly!" he sprouted wings and flew away.

"Hey, wait!" yelled Jacques, following his lead.

"TRAITORS!" screamed Violet.

Olaf opened the trunk. "JEEZ LOUISE!" he yelled in terror. "HOW THE HOLY BARBIE DOLLS DID ALL YOU PEOPLE FIT IN THERE?!"

Whitney shrugged, then ran away, laughing.

Olaf smiled. 'Oh, well. No matter. I'll just kill Klaus and Sunny, and I'll take Violet, so I can-"

Suddenly, a big huge SWAT van drove up, and pointed their anti-aircraft guns at Olaf. "Freeze, crazy guy!" yelled one. "You're under arrest for bribery, murder, burglary, arson, capture, extortion, larceny...."

FOUR HOURS LATER

".... eating expired cheese, robbing zoos, reading too much Stephen King and keeping the whole neighborhood up with your sniveling and just generally annoying people." 

Olaf stared. "And is there a chance of me getting out of this one?"

"No, sir, I guarantee you will be convicted of at least twenty-five charges." repiled the SWAT team guy.

"Damn." was the response.

So Olaf was placed in a prison cell and forced to listen to bad music over and over, while being force-fed cardboard through a drip.

And as for the the other characters....

"Lemony?" asked Violet.

"Yes, Ms. Baudelaire?" was the response.

"I'd like another glass of lemonade please."

"Certainly." repiled the author, pricking himself with a pin. A gush of lemon juice poured out, and now all it needed was a five pound bag of sugar. 

Klaus walked in with another book, and put it on his model of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, made completely out of books. "I hope doesn't fall." he said, just in time to be whacked in the head with a stack of falling books.

Sunny was now the most famous person on Earth, having completed every career there was to... uh.... work... in.

Robin Williams made many more movies, and Whitney Houston made some more albums. 

Lleyton Hewitt threw himself off Centerpoint Tower in Sydney, while Kumquatty had enough of being a loser tennis player, and so retired to a wintry place, and had a real-life experience of Stephen King's _Dreamcatcher_. 

Duncan and Isadora rewrote the dictionary for twins, and made millions, possibly billions. 

Uncle Monty became a make-up artist, while Rove continued with his popular Australian TV show.

Tripod spilt up for a bit into various other bands, then realised they weren't making any money. So they got back together, and did a smash world tour, successful only in Australia. In the other countries, they only sold three tickets, two of which were purchased by a mad bandicoot name Harold Bishop.

And all this was due to some insanity of the trunk of Olaf's car.

Thank you.

The film ended.

"That was the crappiest film I've ever seen..." snapped one guy, feeling ripped off.

"Yeah!" agreed everyone, especially Belvedere.

THE END


End file.
